Whilst the wardrobe thing is highly inappropriate for this one, it is my thing for my blog now. So i wrote it in a wardrobe.

Hey there.
This is sort of an open to letter to anyone who feels sad because they are sad. Because they are depressed.
I hate that word. The weight it carries varies so much. So uses when they are just a little bit blue and others use because of the mental debilitation the full breadth of it can carry.
Like many, I have genuinely been fighting it for some many years now. It has been hard. It is hard now, and it will be hard in the future.
But the thing I find humbling in myself, is that I was never given pills for it. Which either means my doctor felt I didn't have to bad, in which case I have to ask "was I honest enough/holding back?" or when I went to the doctor as a 14 year old, the Doctor felt it was a natural stage in my life that was never going to go away. And that burns in my head. Because, I know now that I am sad at time. I feel sad because I am sad, there is no reason for it, I just get down. The voices in my head increase at these times, and make me feel so lonely.
I know others, who are going through similar processes, and are much worse. The thing I can do to help, is be there for them when i can. But knowing that they basically are in a similar condition to me hurts. Because when they go away, I know that they two are lonely. It's a difficult thought to actually process fully. To think that someone else feels something the same as you and yet somehow planets away different.
This thought process usually leads me to believe that socio paths or psychotic people actually have it easier on themselves, because at least they don't deal with the up and downs in the same way. The way I usually conclude it is that actual insanity carries the benefit of not need to be attached or social. The things that keep people functioning.
But I would be wrong.
I am wrong to think it but unfortunately, that's how I see it.
And to deal with all this, I have to find something with a quick release of endorphins. Such as eating.
Anyone who has even hung around me will know the crap I eat and how much of it.
And I took stock of one day of the extra things I ate during the day, just to keep me "awake", in actuality it was to keep me mildly neutral, and I was shocked that I ate;
1 share bag of - skittles, starburst, 2x jelly babies (both co-op own brand and bassettes), large bar of aero chocolate, share bag of Cadbury Caramel bites and a large bag of wine gums.
On top of all that, i would also eat cheese sandwiches, biscuits. Anything to keep the hunger away for more that ten minutes.
And after 18 years of life, I am now finally starting to see some impact, I have gained weight, yet I am still so hungry. I can barely exercise as a result of injuries and the fact most exercise bare cycling actually makes me sadder than before.
So being sad, is making fat? Well I'd say that's an excuse if anything, but none the less, I find it to be my root cause. If there is a large gap in conversation or my doings, I suddenly just begin to eat.
It's not good.
And now that I am at uni, the thing that probably kept me healthier over the passed couple of years, I now do even less. I don't write up any more. I am just worried about my next bit of creative content that will inevitably never make it past the stage 2 production point.
I hear that music is there to make us feel better. But then other people say, the music I listen to makes them sad or feel neutral about things. Basically the shit that makes people feel dancy and happy makes me angry or sad.
It all just adds to this mental battle, that on it's own is just a headache. It my head, look at the situation and complaining and making me slow.
So, now I've written it here, I have a problem. It'd be nice to get through it. But this is a war. Every little battle counts. And it is easy to see the amount of times I've lost battles.
But maybe if I can convince my self to have a routine or something I could cheer myself up abit.
A blog a week, and a video a month for the next year?
That's my resolution. And if I don't fill either of those quotas in time. I have to do double the next week/month.
Thanks to many youtubers for coming out with depression and most of all thanks to my many friends for telling me they have such because it's about time I did something about it. give hope or something.
Night Ramblers.