Okay, its been a couple of days since my last post.... fantastic you must be revelling in the that tiny breathing space that i created in the short gap between now and the last time you unwittingly decided that trying to peer in to my life was probably a great idea and the inevitably resulted in you getting confused due to poor syntax, multiple grammar errors and rather sickening love bites to those who I actually give a bit more damn about than many other whom walk this earth.
So really why have I re-emerged to the land of multiple hates and loves, most of which is simultaneous, I have returned to cry about my pathetic life once more, and I use the word pathetic quite happy because after once again, vague back story crap appears and then i will destroy my wonderful image by being, as i said before, Pathetic.
So where do i start this time? Simple, what have I got, what will I be receiving, my 'dreams' in life and what am I giving back?
It's these kind of questions that run through my head almost everyday, so for once I am going to write down, my dreams in life. That always a good starting point as it really shows what more is too come if you look at the other bits.
My dreams? When asked this question the instant fall back is what jobs do I want to do? I will answer this but first a point on how clichéd that is! Every time someone is asked this, they never say their dreams for the future, the things they know that will matter!
But i digress.
My dreams as a job is to first and foremost become a successfully (we are talking big!) musician, I want to prove the classical guitar is not a silly instrument, you do need to work at it, and it deserves it's place in any given orchestra at any time! I want to be the best! No one can stop me while i work slowly towards this, and as long as I have the support I need, I WILL become the greatest. (must note, how Naruto that was, "I will become the hokage and be recognised" yeah... we get the picture.)
But I am not the kind of person to just settle for aiming for once thing. I have many other dream jobs!. The next is being a live/studio sound engineer, not sure about you, but there is just something about being part of a show and making that much greater that seems so thrilling and I get to work with parts that very few people actually understand.
And of course I have a totally outrageous dream that will 80% never happen...... Voice acting. I have ZERO talent as a standard actor, but there still that little bit of that believes my voice is just that suitable for "dubbing" characters. It is just fun making weird voices come out of you that really don't suit your appearance. Fantastic
Moving away from those clichés in life. well... sadly not. I am an idealist when it comes to other dreams. They match that of a fair tale. because what i really wish for in life is this; to have fun, to look after my dysfunctional family, see the world in different ways. To have a close of circles of friends. To not care when the bills come. own a house, have a wife! To love unconditionally and to never want to runaway. To be able to just hug someone for hours on end with no interruption, maybe even just falling asleep, with someone to claim as my partner. I want to have a nice life. Free of horrible people, and filled with those I love deeply.
Now here's the bit that really kicks me. I have that family right now. Not My actual blood family, they dont work in the same way as myself. But my friends. no matter where they are, i care so much about them.and I boldly believe that we can all sustain being friends for some years in to the future. we are all close, and I know I will do everything I can to look after them. I do have someone to which I say "I love you" too constantly. And the scary bit is. This is all to close to the dream! It honestly scares the shit out of me that I am living my dream. To have this wonderful 'clique' effectively. And without them now, i really do fear what happens. so more and more recently, I been REALLY pissing myself off with stuff I think or do.
I become JEALOUS of nothing! My friends are hugging each other. Great I want them to do that! I want us to be close. And It annoys me to the ends of the universe that i become jealous! If I am in constant contact with someone, this part of me just shivers because of some unexplainable hatred of being touched in the wrong way. Yet the rest of the time, I find it wonderful, I had my friends (yes multiple of them) feet on my back. I was practically Orgasming from how nice it was yet. Yet I bet if anyone one of them was to stick their feet near me now, I would throw them out the room!! The fact that I can not make sense of what I want annoys me. and getting jealous over nothing. ITS PATHETIC!
I should not NEED be tied to these people. I do not NEED to be with anyone! i do not NEED anything from anyone of these people....
But that doesn't stop me wanting it. I want to be able to hold someone's hand. I want to just give people random love and it mean nothing. to be able to walk free of any boundary. I want to live life for them. I certainly do not want them living there life to my will because I threw a temper tantrum otherwise. It is so child like!
Anyway, this leads me to be being able to open up other blog post on other questions. With love everyone!
"be careful! otherwise they might here the bandit priest squirrel lord from Mars!!!"
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