Again I haven't much to talk about, I rarely do. I usually come up with words on the spot to write these things..... It's how I pass general studies. Well I wouldn't be posting if I didn't have anything to discuss really. confused you already? Well, I will care, AFTER you have read EVERYTHING i have on this website.
Anyway... In the past week or two, by multiple people, I have been asked essentially the same question. "Who are you?". And that isn't "who are you?" as in your name. For all the sakes of the internet, my real name is Ini, (which coincidentally is a phoenix Wright character who turns out to be the murderer, I did not know of this until after i chose the screen name. [For anyone who has played it, I am talking about Ini Miny {a terrible Pun, I KNOW!}]) So in the last post I briefly brushed over a question of identity. Now this blog is more about me discovering myself a bit more than anyone else really,
but a summarisation for those who don't know me. I had a mental breakdown a while back, became clinically depressed,hit my head somewhere in the middle of that and the next bit, causing some memory loss (big help), then emotion dead so I no longer had to feel anything. Then i discovered a couple of things, grew up a bit, met some amazing people, and here we are today. With me getting in touch with emotions. I honestly can not stress to people enough, that I REALLY don't know what going on inside my head, and everyday someone else discovers something about me, I am most likely discovering that myself as well!
But back to my point of "who am i?". I really would like to know this so i can just get rid of that awkward not knowing. But then again. Do i really want to know? What if I am a horrible person?! What if who i actually am is exactly what I hate!? That's the scary thing about this. Because while doing this who self discovery thing, you are trying to find out who you are. But really that just leads to the same conclusion! That we shouldn't discover ourselves through travel, but by our actions, our morales, our society, our comfort zones, our hate, loves, favourites, hobbies. The way we work! these all determine who we are. And I catch myself everyday thinking, "well if I knew what i liked, then maybe I would be able to make a choice" I don't believe that is a good way to think, I think myself lazy because of it, it means I don't want to engage in what I am doing. Which is a direct contradiction to my rule 3. the be the very best. So from that I really need to engage with my work from now on whilst maintaining a social life. so ideally i just need a timetable I can stick to, if anyone has a suggestion of how I could achieve that, Please leave a comment or tell me directly! Probably would help!
And from just writing all that down, I have been able to learn something further about identity. So far I have looked to my past to identify myself. Well maybe damaging my brain was a way of starting really new. And I just been working up so I really am that person I want to be. So really I shouldn't discuss Who we are, who we are going to be. Because the way i view other people was from their present actions and I would forgive previous actions so I could whether they have "grown" in the sense that they know not make the mistake Like that again. You can't stop people making the same mistake, just you can stop them taking the same approach to the same mistake.
But there is one thing I know that really niggles me about my personality. During the 10 week summer holiday I was watching a lot of videos. Namely anime. Now during those weeks I was also building myself up to be "normal" so I didn't have to sit on the outside. Great news! It worked! For a week, then I just slipped back to outside watching other people. I am not sure how many people can make the link there. But I sort of based my personality off things that worked in the animes. As in key personality traits that really made the character a good person. And every time, hard working determination was something I admired the most. So i guess what annoys me is, I can say, "live your own free life, with your own choices to yourself" Or words to that effect, and then I am the direct hippocracy by choosing to live my life by cherry picking the lifes of the fake, the superheros, the most inhumane of them!
So what does this all mean, I guess it means that although I willingly made the choice to follow my life for my friends, for those around me, and to work hard in all things. It still doesn't amount up to the fact that I didn't discover these lessons myself.
Oh well. The ultimate lesson there is for me to continue my life as the way I choose it so, but do it whatever it is that makes me happy. And so what if it matches that of fictional characters. As inappropriate as it is. Learning morale values that help me live life in balance with everything a bit more, has made happy. I literally content with my life. yes thing can go wrong and i get annoyed, and there is always "room for improvement", I.E. my wants in life, job ambitions, love. Getting married, etc ,etc
But it is my strict morale core that has held me together, because I know if i follow it perfectly, then the world would become at peace, well sort of...., but if i fail in that, it tells me a even greater thing, I am made a mistake! Which is Amazing! I made a mistake, now it is my turn to rectify that, learn from it, Become a greater being because of it. Seeing life as it is today, and I could easily say that people have never been more free. But then again we are easily trapped by the letters sent to us, legislations that affect each of us differently, or someone else holding the opposite view. I bet that most people always ask themselves "how does that kind of thing affect me" That is the fall back question to anything, if it dosen't affect you, its that much easier to not care! I am a victim of this symptom as well. It our reaction after that, that counts.
So really I think i shall just end with a bit more of my core morale system.
I know there is perfect "good" in everyone, it is nigh on impossible for any given human being to deny that peace and harmony between people is a good thing. But as long as everyone gives out a bit of kindness, even just the once, but to do so publicly, selfless or just to your close friend. As long as the idea is there. everyone is "human" kind.
And one more, every THING is equal to an extent. everything is worthy of being forgiven, to compromise with the enemy is the simple bit, but to extend an arm in peace only to follow with a hug (a metaphorical one of course) is possibly the strongest thing we could do. Forgiving people is crucial in the end. and really this is selfish but, forgiving those around just makes it easier to forgive yourself, "to attain true peace, we must first attain peace within ourselves before we can push the same hand to others" So effectively, I know, everything is worthy of being forgiven, but further so, to be treated as a friend and to reach out.
So I ask you this; "what do you think your 'core moral system' is? and Why do you so many of us hold an opposite view?" "who are you?"
And then I request you do one thing, the next time you see some random stranger in the street, or walking by, say hello, ask how they are, not engage in conversation, but to just bring a bit of..... fantasy back to the world (I do this alot when i am out with my friends, offering jelly babies to strangers, You will be surprise how many say yes)
and if you are really brave, when you see a stranger crying, sit down next to them and ask them to tell the story from the beginning. I am currently trying to follow that one :)
Many loves everyone! BE carefull!
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