so rather than do my school work, i would much rather write down my active problems in life, shout about it at people who probably have problems to be and can be dealt with, and with probably real ease. So as a blogger, I have now been issued with the task with identity, i will gladly accept this challenge and hopefully explain how I am actually a Pitiful little bitch whom's best chance in life is to live about 200 years ago.
Yes it is one of those days, where i feel absolutely awful, the people i like talking to are not around and I have some really important things coming and I am distracting myself from them by trying to go on a "journey of self discovery", which include writing what is most likely the most bullshitted thing i could possibly write about myself! That is not to say they are false in anyway. But the way i see it, is that i model myself on characters that are convenient to a nicer way of living, which appeals to other people. Basically a real attention whore thing to do. And i hate the fact I try to live life in a way that Pandas to others opinions of me, I really hate clinging to people! Yet the moment I am with someone I never want to let go of them!! And it annoys me to no end that i cant actively engage with people with there being some form of contract between us meaning that no matter how much of a bitch I am to them, they need to put up with me! Honestly, I know I do bad things and I know I fail in what i believe in some times, but i really do hate having to live with the guilt of doing things which annoy them or something and they don't say anything about it, because they are way too nice to actually be human at times!
I had a friend talking about how they were worried that if they were going to be talking to someone about events un-described, and it was going to hurt them. All day I have heard that sort of things from friends. It worries me to no end that I dont feel that sort of thing, because i did almost the same things as they did, and as far as my memory lets me, I didn't feel like this, as far as i know, all i do in these kind of situation was apologise once, move on a bit and go "oh look there's a squirrel". That is so fucked up! To just pass off commonly accepted social problem as a little nuisance to be ignored.
Okay, so maybe that is a bit bitchy, but it kind of leads me to a point that has really been hurting me the past couple of days. And that is keeping in contact with people over the internet. It is the most painful experience I could have. And once again I am trying to be a person to them. And i miss them greatly. Its only been 4 days since we last spoke properly. And I am jealous of those who get to talk to them. (obviously I am ignoring my challenge for now and fulfilling a previous promise to someone right now, so unless this is you, you can go on ahead and look for the next big paragraph spacing because it doesn't really affect anyone else really..) So Yes I am a clingy little bitch. and once again I am clingy to someone who I obviously can't have. And I am most probably happy that I can't. As weird and.... annoying as that sounds, I am a panda. Basically, the first person to willing get up on my shoulders.... how the hell were you able to break almost a year and a half of nothing! I now hurt. Badly. But in a good way. this school year alone, there are so many people i could credit for returning something to me that I thought was there, not a gift. though many consider them a burden, I know them as a gift, something of which being taken for granted, is just part of. I am talking about emotions. They are So powerful. strong, and most of all, they make us human. I lived without know what they were for long enough to learn more things about what is around me. Then after a summer holiday, something came back to me. Friendships. Trust. And a world that was worth getting up in. And i was contented with this. But I knew something was still missing. And i am not going to lie, the day I met you. (I am now going to use the word you, because now this is more a personnel thing, no screen name, an obvious who it is, but I am not saying flat out. Just "you", my name for you has yet to mean something ;) )
So the day I met, you, I was hugged by a complete stranger. i was okay with that. A little taken aback. Hugging was a taboo to me. i was I while before I could actively hug my current friends. Thats my first thank you. For bringing back that in my life. And NO I shall not apologise if anyone doesn't like it, if they don't like they can lump it, they will be forced to love it :P
And you know what, I dont acutally think I could happily blog my emotions about, you, untill I have said them in person first. But i am not gonna be lazy and end there. because I made a promise to you, To make sure you were loved everyday we talk. So far you tell me I have kept that promise. i havn't kept it enough. You dangerous, daft, insanely wonderful person! (ewww That what people in commitment say) Every week I have seen you say somethings, and I know my responses havn't exactly been up to calibur as well. But I guess thats still me coming to terms with these silly things called emotions. and I am not sure how much it shows in words, But yes I have just had a massive mood swing like the secret woman I am! Aren't cha lucky ;) But i digress.. My promise. there is ultimately one thing you need to remember. No matter what anyone else says, No matter how our feelings may change. You are still the most Important person in the universe. And I am not saying that because of my own biases towards you. You really are, so much potential is behind you, and there is a whole future with which I want see you living you'r whole. I don't think i can force you to live the life that anyone else see perfect, i can certainly help you in that short time frame we have together while we talk. Like i said, I am clingy, and I know if it something goes wrong between us, i will most likely annoy the hell out of you. Not that i am planning! But no matter what, you are So very important, and you deserve the best out of life. (so here is my personnel input, I am not the best, There are some very lovely people else where ;) )
Still, I mentioned how I been given the gift of emotions. Well friends can only give you so much. Brutal as that sounds, that in it's self is wonderful because it gives me so much to explore, but I knew something was lacking. The extremes. These emotions that mean so much, inflict so much on to the world, all in the name of a forbidden fruit! Seems silly like that, but still, to feel them means I am one of the most wonderfully, stupid, ignorant bitches of the universe, that we call the human race. I love it. There is so much hate in the world and without hate, love could not possibly exist. And now i have it again, the thing that makes me human, the thing that makes sure that i make mistakes and proves I can and have grown up. To me, what you have done, is changed Black in to white, and white in to purple. You filled a metaphorical hole with actual cement, and over time it may crack. But it will never stop me knowing that I am now indebted to you for giving me a gift. Thank you. I honesty love you more than I should and I will probably be attacked for saying so but there you have it, You purple dragon. i am pretty sure there is an orange portal to Hogwarts to fall through. Stay pretty ;)
Now I have done that, if you were silly enough to read it, That's your own fault. Now I was issued with a challenge on identity, and simply I can summarise identity as not a picture, or what anyone else makes of you. And not what You make of you. But your actions identify you. They identify your traits, your beliefs and they identify you as a person as a whole.
Catorigarised or not. Identity is what makes us individual and the same, simultaneously of course. Ideas can be taken from different cultures and it is these that found new cultures, and until a collective group reaches that of "paradise" we shall all remain individually different.
So what is my identity. I simply identify myself as moralistic, a romtancist and a hard worker. there is obviously moee to it. But identity is strong, and ultimately it is up to you to find me, and work out my identity. ;)
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