If I were to think back on all my capers, I would only be able to tell that i am not happy with myself at one singular point. Sorry Can't help it.
I keep on thinking about something. How my blog affects my life, I have essentially been scared to actually right up my spontaneous thoughts as I go along with because I don't want anyone to feel like I am not telling them shit, but it just so happens when I am here late at night up in front of my laptop, of which has no battery right now, I just need to get things out of my head because I still don't know what it is that goes on up in it. I wish to know why I think they way I do, but that is what happens. At this point here in time, I simply don't care what I write because it doesn't change anything. People have access to my head, but if anything, it is a chance to be reflective, how not to live life or something.
Particularly writing up my thoughts to a group of Russians and Americans. That seems to be the predominant audience to my thoughts, shame I can't check audience retention like on youtube, kind of gives me hints as to what works and how long things should be.
Yesterday, I began stage 2 of operation "seek help", which was approach to on campus councillors. The nice lady at the desk said that there is usually a waiting period of 3 to 4 weeks.
And I should fill out the 20 questions document where I rated my thoughts and doings from my last week. On pretty much every question I scored 3/4. Where the bottom score is 0. So out of a possible 80 marks, I calculated in my head I scored somewhere round the 60 mark.
Actually seeing it on paper was really scary if anything, just because i never thought I was "in trouble" and that I could deal with it myself. But seeing that just sent shivers down me.
It's worth noting that the score doesn't actually say You "this much" in mental disorders. But it was more or less showing that to questions like "do you under/overeat?" or "do you feel like that you are not living up to expectations" or "Have you thought of drug/alcohol abuse" that a person is most likely not Okay if they are scoring high. Well that went so well in my case now.
And despite the aforementioned 3 to 4 week waiting list. I was contacted today by the councillors, saying that appointments have become available. Now I am sure there are people who have been on the a list longer than I have because there is no way so many people dropped there appointments so fast I had options over the whole week! So I have essentially concluded that I was scoring high enough that they felt I need help fast. Which if anything worries me further, and is probably why I thought it because in some respects I am probably punishing myself for no apparent reason. Like we do... So I conclude the worst of all possible outcomes.
But what am i going to say to the poor lady. Oh hello, I've been sad and in pain for years on end. And I can barely sleep. And I struggle making human contact without it meaning a mountain and causing issues. And oh, did I mention there are multiple voices in my head that tell me what People are and essentially dictate my life and if it weren't for songs being stuck in my head I'd probably exploded or something.
Because if that's what they want to hear. Then that's fine. They can know like everybody else can. I just want to be happy. Let alone stable. I want to function in society so that I don't get bored or people so fast that I guess what they are about to say.
N.B. I do that because I have no control over it, I'd rather not do it, but it just happens.
I think I've already said enough here. But hey, I could go further and explain why I am lonely, but I always feel that people are clever enough to work it out. It's ever so simple.
No comments:
Post a Comment