Hey there. Ramblers.
I am not very good at sticking to new years resolutions, but promises, I am better at. No relevance to what I really want to say. It's just an apology for not sticking to any targets!
But first thing in my head is sexuality. Now I know I have discussed this before, and I have "openly" talked about with those around me. But there is reason why I wanted to talk so much about it. For literally years, I have been questioning what I originally thought was a fundamental Tri-based option. (LG)HB and T was to my understanding a state of being. Though I don't see it as an option now and certainly haven't done for many years, I still thought it to be Tri-based. You were one of the three depending on your gender and preference.
Though in recent years it was fully proven to me that there are other areas. such as Asexuality, which I know understand in it's extreme form general "To feel neither Sexual or Romantic attraction". Which is still a gross Misunderstanding in it's self. Asexuality is about as much of grey area as Bisexuality or Homosexuality . This is something I have been trying hard to come to terms with. The fact grey areas are in something I thought to be a simple option is not mind blowing, but more difficult to actually grasp. The comparison I am capable of drawing to right is the electromagnetic spectrum. If H(LG)B is the visible light range, then everything else is the areas around that. What seemingly appears to be a simple set of colours just by viewing with your eyes, but with knowledge we can understand the areas around that and use it to our advantage.
That's how I see sexuality, something so broad and vast that it is moronic, dense and stupid to actually identify as a binary options. To identify as a single thing means you are missing out the finer details that make you, you.
So when this first started to actually trouble me was when I joined LGBT, I could not physically understand why I could so easily get on with some people (of whatever gender state) and why others grossed me out to the point of sickness. So as anyone does, I hit the internet and found the Asexuality wikia. Which is were I started this discussion with other people, I wanted to know how much they understood about asexuality to bisexuality. And the experiment was simple, I identified as demisexual to them. And all I said was that I fell "romantic attraction primarily and sexual attraction follows as a result" and I would go on to explain the reason I find no body feature attractive is because the person in front me lacks that special "interest" factor. Or more commonly known as a crush.
Whilst this is how I feel my life actually is, it is something I find difficult to understand, because I am not the first case, I thought it was normal to feel the need for "love" before I can physically get involved sexually. Turns out I am part of that "greyA asexuality" group that can identified either as demisexual or the longer form of Panromantic Asexual... doesn't have the same ring to it does it?
I still cant get it straight in my own head, I question it everyday, yet it fits to me perfectly. I mean if I think back on everyone of my encounters, I was close to absolutely everyone of them and people who I tried it with but barely knew, well lets just nothing happened as a consequence.
If it starts to feel like I can't let this topic slide, well it's because I don't understand what to do! I have talked so much and yet no one has been able to actually provide a form of support! It is like I am scared and confused! I don't know what I have stumbled on to and now I am arguing over other things I have said and I just need someone to sit down and talk me through what do!
Which neatly slides me on to the next thing that I have recently described before to people, and that is the inside of my head. I am sure I have described it before, but this is the first time in a long time I know what it is that going in my head. That is a horrible feeling! Because now my emotions run even more rampant than before and I am getting hurt so much more easy. It's unreal, but right now I want a form of stability,and I know the world doesn't do that, things change, all the time. But now I am very quickly becoming a relic of a seemingly forgotten time. Meaning, whilst I am still friends with the people I love, I see them change and I really have to question, if I have changed? I have done, but for better or worse? Am I still the same with more knowledge, Who am I?!
This causes me a headache, thinking about why it is I so desperately want to hold on to the old people when they can so easily dispose of me at any time, even if I don't see them regularly, I want to think they are the best things I have in the world. So let me be scarred! Please, I know it's selfish to not want to move on and things, even this time though,I know things change and I either change to much or not at all, but I know that I never want to let go of some of the old things, even when I am at my worst, thinking of them has always made me happy.
I kept the memory box. My memory may be failing me, but the box doesn't lie. And if all I can for you now Kat is write up here and say Gobbletface to make you question me, and then allow me to say that beauty stems from the character, no matter your mask, the best people on earth still have nothing on what you wrote for me. So there, this tiny paragraph doesn't convey what you did for me really. Even now, but you started me on this blog thing. I think it only right to inform you that one of the things in my box is that post by posting it here. Thank you.
And Speaking of Kat. I am afraid I need to change the topic drastically, but this is a recent one that has actually been scarring me a way and I really don't know who is the best for answers from, but it is my look in to religion and particularly the Christianity based sector. I know bible bashers use this same argument against them. But I am about to use an argument that actually scares me about God. How is that any omnipresent entity can be so cruel. Then have his son preach the complete opposite. How can he punish those in the way he does and yet is so loving to everyone equal and kindly. I don't know what to make of it any more, I guess I actually want to believe and have faith. It is probably one of my most favourite characteristics of anyone, and that is favouritism right there! I do favour emotion it would seem. BUT! Wanting to believe and have faith is not enough. I know this because there is only one sole thing I know I have faith in. And that is the power of friends and family, together, we can be the best we can all be. If we communicate and talk and share. I know that is the core thing in my life, they come first.
But God... I really don't know, not that I should know. I have far too much doubt in me to have faith but tonight I had something happen to me which really prompted me to actually type and think in to this further. I walk with a crutch now. My leg has become so painful I need support. And I was waddling home from the forum after an awesome night of drinking, and a smoking man walks up next to me and asks "are you alright?" Of Course I have to reply in kind and say "I am thank you" then realising he is pointing to the leg. So I explain the fact my leg has hurt for many years but now I am loosing feeling in the general area.
Then he asks. "this may be a little weird, but can I do something for you?"
"okay. What is it?"
"I wish to pray for you"
I was shocked. Not because of the action, but because of the sentiment, I have never had that happen, a stranger passing on this kind of kindness, I have had close friends do it, but not a stranger. He prayed for my health and we said Amen, and we went on our merry way. But not before I told him I was going to pass this kindness on myself. I told "what comes around, goes around" "I will make a difference to someone" - to keep the kindness flowing. He may of been fooling me just to touch my leg or something else equally weird, But I dont want to believe that for a second.
Of course, pray doesnt take the pain away. But I don't think anything will, it just feels like punishment for whatever sins I have done, I will take it with me it would seem.
But religion brings me to my Easter holiday.... It happened. Yes that all I can say other than it hurt lots and it drunk lots, but anyone and everyone was amazing. And I miss them all so much. Together we are the best. Apart. I Don't have any strength. Miss you people.
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