Right, I have written some pretty stupid blog posts, and even now as I am thinking this one out, I know it is going to be the stupidest one yet, because I know that this will have consequences. But this is still my diary, public or not, so I write what I feel.
Saturday night; I went out for a couple of hours to drink some alcohols and be friendly with people who I have a moderate liking for. And I come home, tipsy. I crawl on my bed after some burgers. And then I start to punch it. I punch it hard. I silently scream and punch. I clutch my head and then my leg. The pain is intense and no painkiller can ever take it away. Rolling over, I scream some more. Punching begins to exaggerate all meaning as all it becomes is lying in bed with a liquid covering my eyes. Not quite tears, but not sweat. I lay on my bed, heavily breathing, wondering what it is that got me like this.
I never know why.
I can never tell you how it is I feel.
And not once has anyone been ABLE to help.
I want to finish with this all.
But I must continue on/
I don't want to be in pain and when the professionals no longer help, Who the hell can!! What the hell is the point of you people! Who just merely rely on the fallacy of a tiny sugar pill! The people who push all forms of meds, you just annoy me. Why can't I just be facillitated in a different way! MAYBE I NEED A DIFFERENT HELP!!
ANYTHING!
PLEASE!
I am tired. I want sleep, yet all I can do in a state like this is begin to think of her.
I KNOW why it ended. I know I have to move on. And I know she has as well. It doesn't matter if I try talking like a human being or sweet talking. I know I am now not good enough to sway her my way ever again, and writing and complaining about it never fixes anything. Yet I promised to tell her everything. It was under different circumstances I know. But I can't tell you that I still love you. I can't move on, I am trying! It is completely fair that you move on to better grounds. I am neither the partner you deserve or need. I am not even a good friend. I can't maintain old friendships let alone new ones. I have no constant anymore, No back up. It feels like I have nothing! I want to keep in contact and I try. This is true of most people actually.
But my own neuroses do not allow me to initiate contact. I do not want to think I am pestering, and neither do I want to think I am nuisance on your day. I DONT KNOW!
I can't remember anything. It is hazy. No matter the picture in my head. It is impossible to articulate anything but drooling moronic gestures! I think so much, yet all of it just shouting at myself for not being the right person.
I am reliant on sugar. I am gaining weight and fat. I am loosing what little sex drive I had.Hearing, sight, taste, the ability to construct a basic sentence. I feel like I am loosing more and more of myself every. god damn. single. day. One hour. at a time.
I can't remember what it is I live for, or even who I live for.
I know so little now.
Its nearly all gone.
All black abyss.
screaming out.
Obsessing all.
Forever pain.
I think I am.
Done.
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