It's that time again! CHRISTMAS!?! :D NOPE just me posting the next sensible renovation of life.

Well tonight I am feeling particularly angsty. Not alot has gone since thursday. What happened then? Well i went to see my circle of friends at hippie's house. Went to the beach. everyone was being open about their view to it. I literally died inside and realised I probably should have bought a camera. it was genuinly a sight never to be forgotten. and I furiously ruined it for myself by thinking "now if only i had a partner" This would call for a great moment to enjoy life, seeing the most beautiful sun set possible, surrounded by people whom i consider to be the best. And all i wanted to do was cry. But alas I could not because I am obviously some form of monster whom lacks the most basic of human understanding towards prettyfullness. (see if you can work out what that means)

So yeah we spent the night at Hippies. we laughed, we drank things, we ate my jelly babies. Went home the next day. It was amazing, I havn't done anything of value since.

All i been doing is pitifully  crying to myself about things that could as well be pushed aside. Like how people have lots of work to be doing. I do too! yet somehow I see it appropriate to be trying to talk to people. Am I so broken that even though I know i won't reach the fruit, i still try to climb the tall tree.

For anyone who has watched scrubs as much as I have "want what you can't have" should be a good phrase to use with you. Now I usually hate alikening myself to characters, or anyone alikening themselves to anything. But this time I feel it apt to kind of use that. I honestly don't know why i feel the need to chase down after anything I know i will never have because "it's too much money", "she is love with another guy", "He is not gay", "available but hates my guts", "can't be a friend to you, I have too much money, you'r gay and have dreams". what ever excuse I still want to have the golden fruit on top of the tree. And why shouldn't I aim for that, it's good fruit. I just don't see why I should start meeting obstacle I can easily avoid. (note. I am sticking with the fruit/tree metaphor because I like it and it does symbolise alot in my life)

have you ever tried climbing a standard usual tree, but you take a different route to everyone else just to prove it was possible to go a different way? i have, and I do the same sort of thing in life all the time, I believe the term is "shooting yourself in the foot". I don't like doing it, it makes life harder, yet I continue to do it, just so i can prove there was a different way, and I really don't need to be uniform to anyone else's misconception!

Since the people from northants have entered my life. I'll admit that i been doing more of this climbing the different way. All of these people are so interesting in their own right and have amazing back stories. I don't have that kind of thing with people any more really, I have some people from my past still in my life. Just this year, (don't get me wrong i do love everyone to absolute bits) i don't have that special bond with anyone, I do have a couple of people from my childhood in my life. Just each and everyone has always been distant or never been an actual friend to me until some event not too long ago. I guess i want to integrate myself in to someone else's life really, have these meaningful back stories rather than this "shaded" past I give off. It's rather not fair not knowing some of it myself, but to see other people be so close even after a decade of knowing someone. I am jealous of people who have that. I know I am the problem in many of my past cases. But they don't count for sh*t any more. I have this life, and I see myself ruining it by trying to go after things I can't have.

So yeah I am rather bored of myself right now, but as we all know, we can't take a break from ourselves. So need to fix that. Make myself interesting. Give myself more than just that reason to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe actually try better next time to fix that "damsel in distress" rather than letting them work out the answer themselves. (it has lead to people making further mistakes, but on the other hand not many people are given that kick up the arse they need to be happy with themselves.)

So since starting sixth form, that void in my heart has mostly been fixed or cemented over. There is just one last thing i want to achieve. Patheticly clichéd as it is... I want to find love again. I want to be able to hold someone in my arms, call them mine, and call myself theirs. I want to enter that last step in my life. I want to make someone else happy eternally. And every time i think I found them thus far, it just turns our to be a "crush" because the moment something else happens in their life I suddenly decided, maybe their not for me. Which is crushing in one sense but in the other a relief to prove that the Love was just platonic.Doesn't change my feelings, Its just... off. That I should so easily pass off the person i "love". if I truly was in love, i would be jealous at the meer fact someone else has feelings for them and I should really fight for that. But alas i am not the love worthy yet I guess. So until I think i found the perfect person and I can prove it is the real thing. Then i will just go on with life as it is.

So I just leave you with a question, if you think you are in love with someone, and they are available to be with, otherwise ignore the question. Why are you in love with them and is that reason the thing you want for the rest of your life?
If you dont have feelings for anyone, ask yourself. Why don't I love anyone? (who knows maybe the person you want will appear)

And If you are in a relationship, ask yourselves, if you can be stronger than before, and if you want to fight to the end for them. I hope the answer for that one is all yes. Anyone who says no, I think has just created a paradox for themselves, because admitting the problem is the first step to solving it. So maybe you will fight stronger :)

Many a good day to you all, I have the perfect people to contend with right now! Let's hope I look better ;)