I shall start tonight inner ramble with responses to others blogs. SOme will be obvious. other might not but for the sake of it. I am doing this in the vain hope when I ask question maybe i will get answers. well i say vain... Just noone ever seems to remember me asking it... (sad face is quite obviously appropriate) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm quite lonely"
How're you doing? We will discuss this later on, I believe the word is unstable though.
Still putting up with my rambles? Yes i am putting up with your rambles still, I rather enjoy them. Please make more, more often. It's like waiting for a new episode of Sherlock! It's like you actually want me to know about your life from the core! <3 <3
What's going on in your life? Oh exam shit. feeling emotions. And generally wanting to do more with my life with other people....
How did the last conversation you had with your mother go? "Have you checked the switch? Yes, it is a power cut. ..... SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I CHECK THE METRE AND I AM NOT GOING TO THE NEIGHBOURS YOU STUPID SHIT! What kind of a sister are you? why don't you go and ask or better still, ring the power company!?"
That's right, my last conversation was rudely interrupted by my sister, and she is an idiot. there is obviously far more to that. but that was basically the last conversation.
Who would you say is your best friend? Seriously? No one stuck around long enough. Make more than a year and get ahead of the competition without being my partner. Then you will favourite. Till then, you are all pseudo-love-family.
What songs do you want played at your funeral? My own works followed by scissor sisters. and then finishing with over the rainbow sung by a bass singer trying to do tenor whilst playing the ukulele. Then I want all of you to sing. Just sing songs that have always been there. Like muse, nickleback, Plain White Ts, elvis. and Tim minchin.
If you could be fluent in any language other than English, which would it be? Russian! So then i could tell all those russian blog viewers of mine to hurry up, soon you will over take the English!
If you wake up tomorrow in the body of someone of the opposite gender, what will you change your name to? well presumably i would have to take their name, because being called Jane one day then the next be called Amereta would rather weird.
If you had to lick any part of anyone's body, which part of whom would you lick? Your tongue ;) Doesn't matter who it is reading this, Just. You'r tongue. ;)
Who's your favourite Simpsons character? I don't do favourites. surely you know this by now?
What do you think of reincarnation? Well it better work, because if there isn't an afterlife Im screwed!
What non-human animal would you come back as, if you had the choice? Dragon. simple.
What's your favourite letter of the alphabet? Nope
Number? still. no favourites.
Non-alcoholic drink? Their crap! :P
Do you prefer the pink or white marshmallows? there are marshmellows. they taste of mellow either way.
If you had to come up with one word to describe everything that you are, what would it be? Simple. Human. No other description of me. Anomaly? maybe? Arse. Bit more so. But thats because I know me. But I fit no other description better than "human". Anything is perception isn't it?
So that was a response. and I am just going to respond to a question i was asked earlier today. yes. you are over bearing, annoying and quite frankly get in the way permanently.
Well that's a lie, no one asked me anything of such. though that is the description of most year 7's and 8's at our school.
Maybe I am feeling rather angsty tonight. But the week of mocks is done. I am serious, i just had 6 mocks piles in to 3 days. most cutting in to things. not impressive. but basically here was my timetable for the last week.
| tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday |Friday
period 1| Mock | Pile of unplanned work | Mock | More work
period 2| Mock | Mock | Mock | Far too much work
period 3| Mock | Study | General Studies | Music.
So not the greatest of weeks considering I had 3 mocks on the first day back to school.
So many things are annoying me and upsetting me. it's rather disturbing how much I need something to just hold on in some form of blissful ignorance. otherwise this stuff hits hard. But that's the rather pathetic side to it. I don't seem to function on my own any more. Which is rather bleak. It's like every time I achieve something I always want their to be something more. So when do i stop wanting more? When do i settle with what I've got. Most people seem to do it just fine. ultimately there is no one else i can blame for removing certain things in my life other than myself. And no matter how objectively I look at it i will always come up with being megadowned. No matter how hard i try to see others smile, make them happy. Or whatever. Someone always construed it as sub text or something else. Why can't people just face that I am only trying to see them smile just for five minutes even. I don't want much more than that other than the knowledge that you are all home safe and sound worrying about your own little things. It's sickening how many times people I always think in one way or another. I'd rather people asked questions and actually did question my motives once in a while rather than just being blunt and assuming things. It's so intrusive and once you gain an idea about one thing, you begin to obsess over it until it's fact. Nothing is true. Until you have gone got the primary data from the subject. Until that point, everything else is subjective guessing.
Do not take that paragraph by it's cover though, i know what i have said and all that is behind it. If you start thinking anything different about or am confused by it. Why not ask me? So much easier, I love it when i hear you lot talk about how you got to a thought and how you get these facts of yours. But, any fact I have heard directly spoken about me. seems so.... Subjectively based. Noone asked me about X or Y. No one has asked whatever about the situation. It's like you enjoy have you own thoughts on it. Of course there are exceptions when people do ask me. It has got to be at the MOST INAPPROPRIATE OF TIMES! Seriously. if you want to ask me a question, do it when i am not laughing my guts out and especially not in front of others. I dont enjoy spilling the beans to people. Call it trust issues. but the fact is most people prove so un-trustworthy. I can give a simple piece of information, which I am sure people will work out, then a week later I find someone found out about it. Do we not posses the humility to approach some subjects without telling about it all the time.
But of course all that can be turned on its head. I don't ask all around me what their problem is. and of course i have made subjective views. But i learnt this year. Not to talk about it until i have got some form of conformation. It's not right to base views on someone in such destructive mannor. I'd like to think I go back to school with my opinions reset of people. So they can't change, and if they play the same role as i did last time, then wonderful they are still the same people. But I found that approach much better for change. As ever though, I am human, I fail at sticking to things at times.
"Rant-full" was told i was full of rants this week. Well things should stop being so annoying if I am not to be Ranting at things.
Okay here is a rather depressing thing. And i mean depressing. I have been online for.. 3 / 4 hours. Noone has said hello. Now I look back. No one is online. Seriously what is the point of the internet if it's just me saying hello to everyone.
Oh yeah there is another thing. Poking me? fine great, Lots and lots of people do it.
But then going in to a poke war, and when i give a hello and not replying. And continuing this for 4 to 5 days straight? What is wrong with you? What could I have possibly done to have deserved that? I am not going to respond to anyone who does that any more. No point. It's sad and pathetic that your life has come down to poking people and not talking to people. why don't just punch me and get it over with already?
So holding back tears does get hard and harder every week, and i do do that really pathetic thing of wishing someone would save me. Well I am not exactly helping myself am i? I am never online and whenever I do talk to people. i become so concerned for their welfare I basically screw my own. though even at the best at times not many people do actually care about you. And there is so much I do bottle up and I wish i could tell it straight. But when you factor in the fact that I could one trust issue with you or some kind of disposition about talking about the truth with another. It gets so awkward to actually say. Help me.
And I really wish someone else would! I need help. I don't need it fast. But I need some help getting through it all.
I literally heavy breathing as I go through this realising that almost no one ever responds to these things. And even better when someone does respond. i clam shut. I forget my problems. I bottle them up. Their insignificant around your ever lasting problems quite obviously so! So I know i feel shit!
I look like it. My mouth is dry and my throat is soar. I have comfort eaten to much. and I am without direction.
If anything all this week has gone to prove. i want to be outside more often. i want to see more people. I want to do things! But i don't want to do it with people who can't comprehend I find some things annoying. And usually I am well justified in what I find annoying. but seriously I just see it as a pure lack of respect when you pretend you havn't done something. once again. Punching me. Every time a person just goes on pretending they haven't been a twat at one point or another is hurtful. but then to try and touch me! it sickens me you don't apologise. But DOnt Touch me! SIMPLE! I don't want people who i have completely destroyed my trust, respect and any admiration for touching me! Obliviousness can only take you so far. but gahh. touching me. I DONT LIKE IT! Most of my closest friends today. It was so many months before i was comfortable being squished up next to you lot. And it is so many more months before you can actually do things further than that. I have grown up now. I am not that horny little child any more.
If i say something about one emotion or another I bloody mean it! Just toying with me otherwise just to make me happy. Whatever could possess someone to toy with other emotions. We all have emotions. somewhere or other. But to go as far as to just say a line so I will probably go away. What kind of thing to do is that? It physically makes me sick!
Now one other thing. People who say. "Don't worry about taking from me". Now then, obviously you don't understand my position. or mostly likely anyone elses. but quite frankly, if you going to use that line. It's gotta be an 'in the now' moment otherwise you are just ridding us all with guilt. All my life I have done nothing but take from other people. And I want to give back. And i have to begrudgingly take it from you now! every term I am given a bursary. on the on hand, i am ever thankful for it. But I am so sickened when i have to take from the school or my friends. It's like telling me I will not achieve anything other than benefits for the rest of my life. I know the good will gesture is there, but doesn't mean I wont feel bad about it. So if you are telling people to take from you. make sure you dont use words like "mooch". it just makes me sick to know how useless I am at life and i havn't started yet. And when i ask the questions that will get me somewhere. no one ever gives the answer. So that always kicks.
Sorry for any offence caused. but if you think you did this at one point and you feel extra guilty. then why not TALK with me about it? I am happy to fix anything. I just don't like being insulted. Laters!
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