Well actually! i do have a topic for today! it may be a step in the wrong direction at first. but this time Please hear me out. For those of you still interested by what I say and are not confused at the mere sight of me making a sentence which in theory makes sense to me but then falls upon humanity of which does understand where I am coming from.
So that topic? I am gonna have to rename it to. people being sad for more than an hour because the term depression is so over used it has effectively lost all meaning. so for the actual thing I'll come up with a new name .... urrmrmrgrrahahghgahruh. I become megadowned occasional.
So people megadowned. It happens. lots. And it so easy to find someone who has suffered it and got over it, is in the process of becoming megadown or is simply clinically depressed.
Now we hear a lot of people giving support, a lot saying "get over it" and yadi yadi yada. Yet we never quite hear, HOW to get over it.
So i want to write how I got over the whole 2 year megadown period of my life. Well the simple answer is. I don't know what exactly changed, I probably forgot it by now. End of post? OF COURSE NOT! It time we went on an adventure of discovery and why I suddenly realised we hold so much attachment to emotions which bring up barriers. Namely that of society. Now obviously I retained some barriers for my own safety. I like being alive. But some major barriers I have broken since then. first, stating what i actually feel about something, whether or not I like a particular show that the masses do, my opnions on general stuff and going on to things like being proud to say, i watch Anime, and I like Pokemon, Yu Gi Oh and Naruto, they have cohesive plots and filler materials. They lack in plot holes if you listen carefully or watch the original japanese dub. And quite frankly, They are amazing pieces of literature.
Another barrier which I quite 'modestly' keep broken is Modesty it's self. what is the point in not being proud of what you have done? No point, no one will know what you have done unless YOU say you have done it. Not that anyone will care at first but it really is a character trait that gets in the way. Just don;t be a dick about, mention it like once or twice or at times for comic effect. dont rub your glory in my face. I get jealous easy!
And a final great barrier I had with life. The way we view people. People are not sex on candy canes! Yes we got people who look good, and those who have endearing character traits to go with the clothes. But i wear black clothes as a direct opposite to my actually character, if i wore colours that matched me all there would be would be Blue and green and Red, and the parts of that mixed off! but since they clash and I dont quite have a voice that matches clashes, or a face that look happy... I'll stick with that.
So back to my original point. there is something that came as a RESULT of a pseudo epiphany I had many months ago. And i have the same epiphany multiple times a month I am sure!
But depression. It isn't fun. to feel like you only have yourself, no one out there can be talked because they wont understand or they refuse to, or simply they really wont listen. Trust issues result from all this. But remember, Trust, respect, friendship, and anything that makes you believe in anyone, remember... it is not GIVEN. Everything is earned, it is earned through the small efforts we make the be better for these other people. So when you believe there is no one, is it because no one else is making an effort? No it's not, it's because all the wrong people are trying hard for you. the way i remember it, i was projecting my hopes on to people who obviously weren't right for getting me through it, and they simply played on my unstable self. (well far more unstable version). So how did I stop that? well I gave it a term myself. I didn't like my way of living. I didn't like the people I was hanging around with. And most of all, I HATED life for being so horrible. But I was patient and I waited till the right time. Sixth form presented new opportunities. new people. some. Colour in my life. so I used my extra long summer holiday to better myself. The term I used to MAKE life myself. Was HARD reset! I stopped being me for a week. Two weeks. followed by third. and fourth. and this went on until I was needed at school again. I stopped. I watched the shows i mentioned earlier. I watched other shows, like doctor who and torchwood, I watched youtube things, and I went through it all, and decided things in life that were worth living for. As long as i had nobody distracting me. Which for the most part, I didn't. And I saw the person i wanted to be in the end. And then I became "him". just momentarily in my head, I saw the dream. And now i work towards. Working harder. Faster. and stronger than before. I am now in my own eyes better, and importantly. Happy.
But the story doesn't end there. Because I didn't meet my, well lets call them this for now, my team. I didn't meet them instantly. No, that was over time. Months even in the end. So I searched. the first month of school. I worked, and i searched for the people who would be worth the time and effort of being "him" for. Obviously I believe i have found such people. people who work on a relative level to my own. enjoy life in the same way I do and always had wanted for. Because I stopped being me for just a week and just let stories fill my head. I became better.
Now we can all see problems in this. My big problem. relapse. There is almost nothing stopping me from falling back in to those times. I have already. But I am rather confident that as long as I remain faithful, someone will be there.
So that basically how i stopped being so sad with life. starting to enjoy my understanding of the world. Because the world IS SO small. Yet so beautiful for the small blade of grass to the cinder brick in a house. They happened! What is the chances of things like that happening! MINISCULE! It makes people feel so tiny. Yet i feel so special because of it. I AM part of all this! I make tiny differences to things and in return i get the differences. ISN'T THAT AMAZING!?!?
So if you feel like crap, i really want to help you, but if you are on your own and there isn't anyone you trust. My suggestion. find a TV show, a book, a film. Whatever. And then listen to the story. And watch it, and become part of the story. Then wonder, why can't this story be my life? Then do what you feel will make you happy from it.
Hope that describes my way out. Happy April everyone!
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