Hey all! Hope all of you had an enjoyable Easter Sunday and for those who love it, tasty eater eggs. I know one of mine was. Yes m'dears, I am so lucky, I got two Easter eggs! Now that comment actually leads me on to something, depending on how you read it. but in all honesty, I am so lucky, to even get one Easter egg, and cream eggs are eaten faster than I would like to think.
So my point about that comment. Now anyone who knows me in person. Which is most likely my target audience for this blog. I do usually speak with a sarcastic tone, and more often than I like, over the internet people read such comments as sarcasm. Now I know I do a lot of sarcastic comments. But when someone takes offence at one of these comments that I actually mean, like "I am so lucky", I get rather hurt. Firstly because someone is effectively telling me I am so constantly sarcastic they will never take me serious for anything. Secondly, I just said something nice, and you are telling me my tone of voice is so dulled you can not distinguish emotion!
That isn't just a random rant, that does happen, and I don't like it when people think I don't mean what I say, I do always mean what I say, just I may not say what I mean correctly enough for you to understand.
Now sadly, I got another point to make. I been rather depressed recently... again. I hate depression, it is the most annoying and intrusive part of my life. And from that I can go on to say the really small details start to matter emotionally, and This is undoubtedly going to get really bitchy around my friends, for many obvious reasons. I do hate bringing other people down, and to the extent where it's because its objectively pointless for me to sad there is no reason for me to social at all. And to further the same point, I can't pin point what is making me so sad. It's like I am trying to be self indulgent by ruining others fun. (that's not intended and not the point of the post, this is basically filler material before my point) I really don't know why I am posting this so openly, but it is probably the only way I am going to get my point out without me stumbling over my own words or being asked the question I so obviously don't know the answer to. Basically through all this I realised, I really hate 'flat linening', where i basically feel nothing at all. And further after, I dislike not being bale to speak properly just because i am suddenly forced to think so linear. It's like being trapped. Which has also been a feeling that has been its way commonly in to my life recently. I do feel trapped by my own actions, I feel trapped if general people are just touching me in ANYWAY. And I revel in those moments where the right people are touching in all the right places, I.E. on my back with at least an inch of clothing between us. This sudden feeling, well sudden... , of people touching giving me the repulsive feeling is sickening to myself also, because i really do not like it when I am outside alone and cold but it also goes on to tell me, that technically, I am still alone and I will be alone for sometime now. Because no matter how much I look at it, what some people have said to me over the past year, their words are hollow, they mean literally nothing now, and I am sure many of those words didn't mean anything to begin with.
It feels like being punched in the face and the groin simultaneously every time I hear, read, or whatever. Someone saying they feel this emotion at this time, and then when you final see each other again with in the next, day, week, month, year, doesn't matter when, they just act as if it was never said to begin with, they were just pretending to mean it, as if to satiate some kind of sadistical joy they have over toying with other people. And no matter how many times I've had this happen to me, or seen it happen to others, it still doesn't stop any of us from doing it again. And what's worse is that every time it does happen to me, I believe each person more and more and more. So when it does come to light that infact I have been screwed over for multiple weeks on end, it really hurts. ALOT. So maybe that could be a reason for my recent relapse in the that over used term for quite a serious mental "illness".
Which I actually have a point for. Doctors and scientists have been hiding behind figures saying the "number of patients diagnosed with clinical depression has been rising every year" (Clinical is the lowest form of depression as I was told over 2 years ago now, when I was told I had it.) Now I have a theory as to why we have seen this increase. It's not because people are now becoming mroe and more depressed. i am certain the numbers are indeed the same as they were over 100 year ago if you were to take a total of those who would have had it back then and those who have it now. And I am talking about about across the whole globe, diagnosed and undiagnosed. The only reason we have an increase is because we go on to talk to doctors about it now, we are far more open with them than we were just 10 years ago, when we were still told "stop being such a pansy". 2002 and was a rough year for year 2's apparently. So yeah that's my theory, same amount people, except we are just a bit more open about it. And because of this openness we go on to see people who quite clearly don't have it, go on to use the word and throw it about as an every day term. So when it's on their medical record, the use of the word is fine, but before that, my friend, you are just a bit sad is all. Though on the other hand if its for an extended period of time, like multiple months, YES YOU may call it then.
So after all that I want to leave on a couple of really positive notes.
Firstly, after yesterdays post I begun to realise something about how unprepared for the real world we are when we leave school/university. Sure we have degrees and stuff at the point. But in the industries I want to work in, what you need is substance rather than qualifications. It is very hard to get in to working in to recording studios if you have not worked in one before. So aid this I did work experience in a recording studio, which is easier to get in to as no one is paying you then. And if you want to get in acting, voice acting, art stuff or music, what everyone needs is a portfolio. Larger than that of your school work, which is extensive already but when you do more you stand a bigger chance of being picked for the job. Substance is what is needed.
So I had an idea to kind of extend this portfolio extention idea to other people. So, like making a club after school or bringing multiple people together and get us all to work on a large project. Because there is nothing that says you cant share your portfolio work, so for example, Little internet animations (asdf style thing), Put on a small stage show somewhere (ambitious, I know) but basically things where we can prove what we have done, and this gives a port folio. SO my idea is to talk to teachers at my school, see what they say about extending an idea out to students who want to create extra things that are truly representative of there skills, and we use the resources around us to actually create an extended portfolio. And this idea basically spans from anyone in creative arts to any other subject that wants have an extention. So I want to hear opinions on people banding together to create something bigger than others school created work. So, internet, what's your opinion?
Secondly, it been a while so i thought i would end on a song, that despite the odd lyrics, I want to put here, because it so hard not to like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QmuMD634vU
And if that doesn't cheer you up, then I am afraid your not dancing hard enough!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pF7nRvjZs8&feature=relmfu
And if that still fails, we always have this!
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