I am leaving the wardrobe, it's not big enough to share.

Okay, WHY THE HELL ARE PEOPLE NOMINATING PEOPLE. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!

Right, continuation on that whole counselling thing. I went to the nice lady. And literally tried to condense the last few years of this blog and beyond in to an hour session. explaining hardships, thoughts and general personality. The worst thing was trying to explain my thought process to the poor woman. Apparently it's not normal to reach conclusions, whether they are accurate or not, before the end of the introduction. Allow me to elaborate. If you start talking. 90% of the time I will have guessed correctly what your going to say. And if I am wrong, then most likely you are interesting person. Now, explain this in further detail so it's not so shallow is difficult, because at the core of it that is what I do, and it just happens, but it is not so simple.
And case in point, the whole hour session was trying not to over simplify statements. Yet almost requiring the lady to guess the other half.
I even had to explain my 2 contrasting ethos. firstly, my view/morality on life, it's still the same as it was a few years ago. I like it, it means so much to mean to follow these rules and be rewarded by a great quality of life.
But in stark contrast to that, the basis of how I interact with everything. "Everyone. Is an idiot."
If you are a genius, it leaves little room for improving, if you are a genius it means you are the top, but if everyone is an idiot, then there is always room to better. So if being an idiot is ignorance, then being an idiot myself means I have to better myself than everyone else, whilst everyone else does the same. It just makes sense.
And explaining this to the counsellor meant she could see me for who I was before she properly had a chance to meet me. And I think it worked in my favour. Because she recommended I go to the Doctors, because she feels I am actually 'manically' depressed.
Basically insinuating that I had uncontrollable thoughts that were far from normal and to even attempt to integrate me in to society and becoming happy means I would have to take anti-depressants. We also arranged a second meeting in 2 weeks time. So much to looks forward to these days.

And all I can conclude right now is; I really miss my old friends. Everyone is so far away at all times and most the time I doubt anyone really wants me around, but I can persevere. I do need the old friends, they made me happy, at the worst times I may be hiding things I had actual reason to be sad about, but I felt it wrong to unhappy around them, I owe them that much. Making me happy whilst being able to be me, incoherent and weird. But now they are gone and so am I, I can barely make contact with anyone. Be nice if people would come to me for once, stop me feeling like I need to make the effort. Not that I shouldn't, but I never feel wanted, I always feel like a forced part of someone else's life. Which wrong... And to be so needy of others is the worst. I want to function without, but only they made it the best times.

They had constant people, therefore they were happy.

Is it that simple?
I know it really isn't, because I can see you being depressed and ill from a mile away, and yet I can not see the damage inflicted by perception. I want people. And all I really am doing is projecting. Projecting different ailments on to different people and seeing what sticks to the wall. It's when I am right I get a reaction, so noticing these things is clearly positive if it means I'm noticed. Right? Being seen is better than being in the nothing.

Well what do I want? I want to live a life, not be stuck living. Live in a flat filled with friends, have someone to cuddle when I go to bed and a decent job. But that's a good life. To take one step further, that's what I want to do, create new things and spawn life in to ideas.
Just a shame my creative talents only ever take me as far as the idea stage.

I am not a leader, I am part of a team, a hive mind. I will do my part and when that's complete I go on to helping other parts. contributing to the whole.

I can get this out here, yet I can not tell in person. Because people suck. They wont understand my perspective as I wont theirs! (At midnight, I think that is the the right There are it is the possessive version.)

So, unless I have a  major event between now and next week.
I guess I have to finish up now. Night.