However, tonight is one difficult night. I am mood swinging left right and Centre. This is tiresome. As it means I am getting angry at myself and others for no reason. For example, I am absolutely livid, about people who say I am not suffering depression or tell me the pain I feel in leg doesn't exist.
First! I would not openly state something like depression unless I was absolutely sure, and it doesn't matter what I say to anyone about it, because I don't trust anyone! Just by going to the doctor for treatment is signing my own death warrant because who wants to take on a major depressive?!?
Second! I am on the medication for anti-OCD/Anxiety/Depression, it doesn't matter what condition you think I have! It is all the same treatment. And after reading a ton of medical journals and articles, it is all seems to come from the same areas, a massive chemical in-balance, the meds should help get me on the right track.
Thirdly! To people who say my pain doesn't exist! Would you like to have it?! I would gladly chop my leg off with a fork at some points because it hurts so much! I do not take medicine such as co-codamol because I want to get a buzz! I take it because it is the only thing that actually relieves any of the pain!
And Fourth! To those of you that believe I am faking because I am walking "just fine". I am not fine, I am in intense pain underneath that! I would not inconvenience myself with walking on a crutch everyday of my life, having to lumber around hobbling every step, just to make you think I am in pain. What logic of yours brings you to the conclusion that because I walk down the stairs as the elevator is broken, means I am just fine!?
My leg... 3 years. I have been in pain, and not just pain, it started off as pain, but now I am screaming for help in the middle of the night. I am taking medicine to take away some of the pain. Yet, I am in pain. It hurts so much! It is like having ten different injections at the same time on either side of the leg. I can barely move. Barely get out of bed. Hardy move my foot in any direction. And it has put me on a crutch now. Which then hurts my hand. Lots. There are bruises from the palm to the wrist, presumably from falling over so much.
If you have ever passed out from pain, that is what I am at. I am at the tipping point, if it get worse, I will scream so loud, if it stays even longer, I think I am going to have to recluse myself from life in general!
Back to the depression thing...
I have been... researching. Ways to alliviate my mood without having to cause myself pain to that extent... The answers are. Eat healthy. Eat Vitamins, Keep a mood diary, GO OUT AND EXERCISE! WHY IS THIS SO GOD DAMN HARD TO DEAL WITH!! I am litterally sitting here screaming out in my head, and I barely understand I thing, I want to cry, I DONT KNOW WHY, I feel extreme happiness and then comepletly forget it! JUST FUCK OFFF ALERADY!
I am not going to correct that last part, because I think it identifies one of the major things I deal with, and many others. I can not control emotion on the inside, it is an overbalanced carnival in there. With very little output except bad sleep and eat patterns. I even forget to hygiene sometimes, the small things, I don't mean to, I just forget.
So in my research I found this;
Types of negative thinking that add to depression
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All-or-nothing thinking – Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground (“If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”)
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Overgeneralization – Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever (“I can’t do anything right.”)
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The mental filter – Ignoring positive events and focusing on the negative. Noticing the one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right.
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Diminishing the positive – Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“She said she had a good time on our date, but I think she was just being nice.”)
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Jumping to conclusions – Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader (“He must think I’m pathetic”) or a fortune teller (“I’ll be stuck in this dead end job forever”)
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Emotional reasoning – Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel like such a loser. I really am no good!”)
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‘Shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’ – Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do, and beating yourself up if you don’t live up to your rules.
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Labeling – Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings (“I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”)
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Whilst, I do not do all of it, I certainly do most of it, and I can not help it, it happens, it is one of many voices and they get right to the thing I hate most about myself. I do not label myself an idiot or loser, but I do label me things I know are true about me. And I hate it, I hate it because it might not according to others, but that is the thought. I know me?
Though even at the best of times, I don't even know me very well...
I asked for help before on here, and I know some other people have even attempted helping others, but I found an article on how to deal with depressed people which, hopefully is an eye opener, because there are phrases on there which are ever so human responses, but do not help in anyway.
And it makes the point that depression is the responsibility of the barer to deal with, but they can not do it alone.
I really do hope this makes it easier for anyone who knows me to understand what I am dealing with and why I need your help. I am sorry for burdening you if I have... Though publicly saying it to the world seems to be the only way I can do it now, as I see it, no one actually wants me any more.
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