Tuesday Night - A new perspective that needs be carried through.

I have no idea why I feel a compulsion to write how I feel before going to bed each night, but maybe it is beneficial in some way.
I hate telling people directly my feelings. For the reason that they give a response. Not just a response, but one I have already shouted at myself. Every time I mention something wrong, I feel like I have just created a war in which I have to fix immediately, I feel I have to appease them by the telling them it was either nothing to worry about and it's all fixed or I sit there for such a long time as they explain to me something I just described to them.
That is why I feel that people are harder than brick walls, which has it's benefits, but it does mean I hate talking about feelings because I never feel like they are a problem, just a mere blip I have to deal with.

And writing that down. Has instantly given me a new perspective.
I keep telling people what to do when the consul in me. I do the very thing that keeps me away from talking.
So my solution, well if remember correctly, was originally just listen and ask how they feel. And maybe on top, ask if there is anything I can do for them. That in it's self is also a terrible thing to do.

I know what I need now, I don't need a shoulder to cry on, I need a shoulder to carry me, to the final point. What problem solving requires is to work. If I talk to someone, I know why I am talking now, I don't want to tell them I am feeling like this, I want them to come to the "solution core" with me, I want them to essentially Hand hold.
No one likes it when you have your hand held the entire time but that is why I have a problem, no hands to reach for if I get in a situation.
So if someone talks to me, I need to actually work with the person and the problem, instead of just sit and listen.

I don't want to ask directly, but I now know, I need help getting through my problems, and to do that, I need someone to guide me. And equally me to them.

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As a result of this, my head has stopped hurting a little bit.

Just like last night when I had that bath based epiphany.

The noise in my head has boiled away for a bit.

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And now it's back to hurting again.

I really have to wonder if I am living for the puzzle or relief of life.