I have come home, sitting in a room, to noise. I am playing pink noise so the electronic humming stops. Also, I have attempted contact with everybody on-line on my skype list. So lonely is strong right now. I have been home for 2 weeks, and almost everyone I like from home, I have messaged, and only one has replied. I thought that these people liked me enough. Though it seems I might be wrong. I think I would rather people shouting abuse at me rather than this. This is enough to make someone go insane...er.
I think I am just a few hours before I make objects in to personas.
I haven't written the lines yet. But I am already arguing with many voices in my head. My own voices, and other peoples voices. I don't want attention, I just want to be acknowledged as existing. Being part of the group is where I want to be. Everything is a positive side effect.
I think if I have pissed off every last person I have cared for. I think the arguments against living get stronger. However, I knew this going in, if I screwed up. Then I would be the one who ends up hurt. Simple rule is, you can not get something from nothing. And I attempted a mountain from a few grains of sand. Equivalent exchange I guess.
After a bowl of ice cream, whilst the feeling still remains, I want to show you lot something.
This is comments to a video I watched by one of my subscriptions.
And what I want to show is the exact sentiment said in the second to last comment.
"how much further we have..."
It is one thing to be evaluated by professionals and told you have this mental health problem.
It is a complete other when someone else comes up to and tells you that the multiple doctors, and appointments, multiple councillors and every other medical professional of any form, are wrong.
Someone in the comments say that most people do it for attention.
This is true only in one case, when the person crying for attention is merely dysfunctional in human society and likes being the absolute centre of attention.
To everyone else. Saying, I suffer from depression feels like a death sentence. No one knows each other. Other depressed people can not help each other, for the sole reason each case is different. Every time, it presents its grey head in different ways. But symptomatically, the base is the same, each case, someone feels sad and they can not help it. Recurrences in the mood just make it impossible to leave.
Saying just the phrase, means that you are asking for help because you do not know what do any more.
the problem comes with other people who say you do not have it, whether it is the arse hole who thinks you are begging for attention, or a well meaning person who is trying to lift your spirits or the person who trying to solve a puzzle. All of you sound the same!
I have one thing for this... Why, oh why, would anyone want to say they are disabled like this? What does it gain you? To say I am depressed, means to say that without the support of those around you, you are likely to be incredibly unstable and lash out at those who are near!
It can even mean that you lash out when you do not mean it, in ways you thought you never could!
To the arse that says you do not suffer.
I want you to know, that everyone suffers, they have a right to, and when they tell you this, they are telling you because they feel something can come of it! Noone tells you things so they have your approval. Because the last thing anyone needs, when suffering anything. Having the approval of the dickbut who is finally saying you suffer. Doesn't change a thing. Someone will tell you because it can change things.
Like, how people act, it can tell you why someone reacted in such a way.
What it means is, anyone, with any disease whether it be depression, OCD, cerebral palsy, whatever!
You are a human being, asking for help is great! Getting help, is perfect.
And let it be known, it is not the disease that makes you who you are. Actions are what make us. And our actions will either make someone like us, or loath us.
Ultimately, it is a case of "here is the problem, what is the solution". Because, we act to solve problems. On the most basic level, we act to resolve problems. To eat is to solve hunger and to have fun is to solve boredom. To be angry is to solve the underlying cause.
Which brings me neatly to a conclusion. I started this by mentioning that I messaged almost everybody I like here at home. And I have had no replies. Each one most likely has it's own very reasonable explanation. But in my state of mind, it is sometimes better to have this explanation. Even if it hurts. We move on and adapt, what we can't live with is people avoiding problems. That causes war. Of many variety. I need not to give example, you can merely think on it! Whether or not you agree with me is something else.
But I started today by acting on my need to stop being lonely, the result was that I am continuing to be lonely and in pain.And tomorrow, the same will occur.
Home...x.....home?
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