When chocolate taste like tears.

Let's start off with the most positive statement I can think of.
I am feeling so lonely, I do not believe I have ever been lonelier. I am in literal agony. I have never felt so much pain. But I have been given the top dosage of co-codamol... I am basically on tablet morphine without addiction. My leg. It hurts so much. I want to saw it off! When ripping through my own tendons with my bare hands is less painful than this, anything has to be better! I hurt. Lots. And there is bugger all anyone can do about it.
Espcially since I temporarily described how I feel at any one time to my doctor... The first thing he said was contact suffolk well being to get diagnosed by a true Psychiatrist. To the most accurate diagnosis we can. Because I described not only the pain and loneliness, but the voices in my head. The arguing and control of my body. Which I have never truly talked to anyone before about but one in passing. And now that it comes down to it. Since I started the anti-depressants. I can see my own mind more clearly, and the noise of the past has crumbled in voices. 6 distinct different parts of me, all doing actions which do not in anyway relate to the others, resulting in a few blank spots in memory, actions that I would not have taken otherwise and basically. We need to ascertain now. Whether this is. Schizophrenia or essentially a mild multiple personalities. And the depression diagnosis, I am mostly okay with. But even considering those two as an option now, is so scary. And I really need help, because I don't want to call suffolk well being and I know I wont now. Because I do not want to know. I don't want to think I can lose myself in such an easy way, to know that how I act is dictated regardless of actual feelings or thought. If the part of me that wants to scream so much and hurt all around me is the one in controll, who knows!? What if that is what is happening already!?
To contemplate it is easy, to be told to consider it as an option, it is enough to make me break! And I really want to have my friends. I want to have some friends.
I am so scared. All the time, mostly of myself now. Because all I can see is the husks of people I loved and lost.
I genuinely don't know what I did! I Don't want to know, I need someone that I trust. Someone who knows and made a connection. Because everything tastes like salt now, even the chocolate I eat is my worst enemy.
I am in so much pain, I can barely leave the house, I am miss anyone who has ever been close to me and anyone who could be close to me, I seem to drag in to my life to push them away further.
I really wanted to make a video for this month, about what it is in this head of mine. Now, I wish I didn't know, I think being cloudy was better than knowing I am completely alone even if there are people about.
Thanks Doc, now I can't even look at my family without me thinking they think me completely insane.