Blurry hazed dome

Hey Blank page. A lot more has been going on in the dome than I care to admit. And equally in the real world. I am writing tonight because, it is time I started writing.
My memory has gradually got worse, there have been several blank spots surrounding certain memories. And if I focus, sometimes I can summon up a different memory. But more less now I am less sorted. My memory problem is a result of the "voices" in my head. The voices in my head are defined as distinct personalities that are part of me. Each one has it's own whim and as a whole I feel like a dead weight they have to support. Feeling like that translates to the real world. I hate off loading my issues on other people.

You see, the inherent problem of having personalties wandering your head deciding which is most prominent at any time means that whilst each personality has access to the information, each one in turn knows the others greatest weakness. Continuing on to be at any one time I could feel, weak, afraid, paranoid or many other exposed feelings. Being attacked on the inside by the same things that can hurt you most almost feels like a blunt instrument being forced out of your heart, lungs and head. This ends up with "the body" (the final sum of the thoughts resulting in actions in the real world) quickly retreating from the real world because the very same thing that could put me down, can then be argued as to why I should not seek help from anyone around me.
Which is where I can introduce a personality of mine which is always prominent. The objective thinker.
If you know anyone autistic enough that they simply can not comprehend an idea unless there is an ultimate result that is beneficial to one user. That is this voice. He is able to pick out the most important facts from everything else faster than any other part. A strong puzzle solver. And he makes the best case as to why I should not seek help from my friends.
Looking at the evidence I have in my record and various trials, I can conclude that the sole problem is based off of everyone else lack of knowledge. A numerous amount of times I have ached for a companion at my weakest hours, even reaching out to many. This issue is, I always get the same answer. Regardless of phrasing, information given or in person or not.
"I don't know what to do"
Its a very fair statement in all regards. But, firstly, no matter how hard I can try to describe any feeling that is prominent beyond the numbness that comes every day where I am not addressing this very issue, hearing this from my closest friends, is the scariest thing ever, I do not believe I have ever used that phrase since realising this. (Some time ago), but it reinforces one of the most hate-able ideas I have about the world. That I am the only reasonable person to talk to because everyone else doesn't know what to do.
And even considering that the reason everyone doesn't know is because I am true head case is even scarier, and it inevitably ends up with me hating more of the world, not wanting even include myself and thinking that the worst people on the planet are those who are in fact the only one who can help.
The second thing That makes me conclude that no one knows how to help me, is the fact that I have gone from so many professionals across the years, and only now I am about to an actual psychiatrist. GP, didn't know, Mental Health Nurse, didn't know. I have asked for help from these people, to help deal with this! And all they said is, "I don't know." - "Call our service number if you ever need to talk to someone."

What. is the. biggest waste of time, I could do, in regards to what you have just said. I have given my case history so many times. explain I barely have access to my whole head to remember this, I don't want to remember, and whilst I am sitting in the office explain that whilst noone around me can possibly shut all the noise up, They suggest, pick up the phone at 3:00 AM AND SCREAM DOWN A PHONE AT SOME POOR PERSON WHO WILL DEFIANTLY HAVE NO CLUE ON WHAT TO DO!

Never mind trusting people, I could never trust people. They might tell someone else. They might be caused too much havoc by what I am saying and then never tell me and continue lying that "I am not a burden".

If I am not a burden why haven't the people who said that, even bothered to call in. Sure. We are great friends right. Never talking, never even a hello, ignoring texts or even worse. One worded replies. Why not stop lying and get on with it. At least I am dealing with this problem now. And have been much longer than anyone thinks.

I feel tired again. I need to sleep. I let this one get away from me too quickly and soon the circle will repeat.
So I am just going to say, the evidence for being hated is so much easier to find than those of people making an effort of kind.

Hopefully, this time next week, I can begin talking again.